Taking a Leap with Lyme

As we embark on another Leap Day, do you find yourself thinking back to where you were and what life was like four years ago?  I sure do.  For starters, I was in a different house, in what felt like a much stronger body, about to embark on a new, challenging, and often times painful adventure into very uncharted territory.

Four years ago, I was not only taking a figurative leap in starting my food blog (Leap Day is my official “Blogiversary”), but I was actually able to physically leap, as well…as evidenced from the photos in my very first post.  And little did I know that the start of “Fed and Fulfilled” would also be the beginning of my chronicles through the frustrating and devastating effects of Lyme disease, mold toxicity, and autoimmunity.

Coincidence?  I really don’t think so.  This little food blog has been a diamond in the midst of some really rough years.  And it’s been a reflection of my life as things have evolved.  My recipes have shifted with my ever-changing dietary restrictions.  My writing has become more real and transparent.  And overall, the blog has become such a therapeutic, creative, and connective outlet for me during my most painful health days.  All things that only God knew when I first took my leap on February 29th, 2016.Now, four years later, even though I’m unable to “leap” physically due to my fragile body, there’s still an opportunity to leap nonetheless.  This time, it’s not about starting a blog or taking a grand vacation or having a baby.  (Though I wish it could be.)  Instead, I’ll be taking a leap with Lyme.

It’s taken two of the past four years to get a correct diagnosis and another two of attempting to understand this complicated disease and what direction to take.  So far, I’ve learned that each person is a completely different case with completely different potential outcomes.  It really couldn’t be more complicated.  And after putting in so much time, energy, and finances into possible remedies, it’s felt like I should be nearing the end of this struggle, not starting over every few months.  Yet, until I see progress, I must commit to not giving up.  It may take 4 months, it may take 4 years.  My hope is that by the next Leap Day, I’ll have my life back.

But what if taking this leap looks scary, messy, and uncertain?  What if I feel completely inadequate and unprepared?  What if I have no idea where I’ll land?  These “what ifs” have been on my mind for awhile.  Maybe you’re thinking them, too.  So, instead of just leaving this post as a 4-year update, I thought I’d share a few words to encourage us all through our fears of taking a new leap.  When we think about where we are now and where we desire to be, it can be completely overwhelming.  But if we can break it down into a few manageable parts, we can leap ahead with confidence, even if we can’t predict the outcome.

Take the Next Step

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  ~ Philippians 3:13-14

So often, when we hear the phrase, “taking a leap,” we envision a huge jump into a risky endeavor.  One that could catapult us into greatness or send us crashing into defeat.  Sounds really frightening to me.  And my comfort-zone-loving self wants no part in it.  However, instead of looking at our leaps as such immense, daunting challenges, we should view them as a series of “next steps.”

Starting the blog felt like a huge leap for me back in 2016.  I viewed other gorgeous food blogs and felt totally inadequate.  I loved cooking, but never before had made up my own recipes.  I dabbled in photography, but had never owned a nice camera.  I created websites for fun, but never had serious blogging experience.  And, this may come as a surprise to you, but I actually hated writing and avoided it at all costs.  To me, creating my own food blog seemed like a recipe for disaster (no pun intended)!

And it would have been, had I not taken small steps in the right direction.  Once I set a goal to start a blog (after many pep talks from my encouraging husband), I took baby steps in the months and days leading up to launching “Fed and Fulfilled.”  I chipped away at my inexperience by playing around in the kitchen more, taking online photography classes, and asking seasoned blogging veterans for advice.  (Not to mention, a lot of prayer!)  Piece by piece, step by step, the makings of a food blog began to take shape.  So, on February 29th, 2016, what may have appeared as a big leap to the outside world was really a long series of next steps behind the scenes.

Just like taking a leap with a food blog was terrifying to me, so is taking a leap with Lyme.  The thought of what more I have to put my body through, how many more doctors I might have to see, and how much more money we’ll have to dish out… well, it’s overwhelming, to say the least.  It feels like I’ve already tried so hard for so long without improvement.  I really just want to throw up my hands in surrender and escape this broken body.

But then I have to remind myself that taking a leap with Lyme doesn’t mean leaping from the bottom of the staircase to the top.  No, it’s more like taking little steps, each day, every day.  And I think the verse in Philippians above, written by the apostle Paul, serves as a great reminder.  We haven’t yet taken hold of our goal, so we just need to keep pressing on.  Slow progress that will no doubt have setbacks along the way.  But progress nonetheless.

In her book, “Suffering is Never for Nothing,” author and missionary Elisabeth Elliot was asked how she survived the loss of two husbands.  And her answer wasn’t something extraordinary.  It was profoundly simple.  What got her through heartbreaking grief multiple times was simply “doing the next thing.”  For her, that meant getting out of bed each day.  Doing laundry.  Tending to her child.  Small, every day tasks that pointed her in the right direction: forward.

We don’t have to conquer the world or achieve all of our hopes and dreams in one day.  We just have to do the next thing and take the next step.  For some of us, it might just mean getting out of bed, like Elisabeth Elliot.  Or tending to children.  Or showing up to work. Or putting in time at the gym. Or spending time with God.

For me, it means researching treatments and doctors.  Scheduling appointments.  Trying out protocols.  Staying on a healing diet.  Detoxing daily.  Sharing struggles with others.  Pressing on.  Praying hard.

We can’t let the thoughts of all we hope to achieve or see happen in our lives keep us paralyzed in fear because they seem impossible at the starting line.  Instead, let’s view them as a series of next steps.  Doing so will make taking a leap feel much more possible.What does taking the next step look like for you today?

These are phrases we often tell ourselves, even without meaning to.  They’re not necessarily all bad, but they can set us up for devastation if we don’t attain our goal or reach what we are leaping toward.  No matter how amazing our efforts can be, we have limitations, flaws, and insecurities.  We’re all imperfect, therefore, faith solely in ourselves will leave us frustrated, pressured, and stressed.

I’ve learned this the hard way over the years with my food blog.  (My husband can attest!)  I would spend way too many hours on insignificant details that I felt had to be “perfect.”  Whenever my site would glitch or crash, I would let it totally ruin my day.  I felt like everything that went wrong was my own fault- that I should have known better.  And I’ve done similar things in my Lyme struggle, too.  It’s so easy for me to put my faith in myself and my own efforts to try and heal.  If I handle treatments, supplements, and doctor’s visits the right way, I’ll be healed.  If I don’t, I’ll never get better.  But it’s wrong for me to assume it’s entirely up to me.  I can’t possibly withstand that weight on my shoulders.

What about faith in others?  It seems natural to rely heavily on our friends and family when we’re taking a leap.  We think that with the right support systems and the right resources, all will work out as we’d like it to.  Don’t get me wrong, having community and surrounding ourselves with encouraging, uplifting people is a good thing.  But it’s when we put our sole faith and trust in them that we’ll end up disappointed.  We can’t expect others to carry us to the finish line.  We also can’t expect them to meet every single one of our needs.

With the blog, it’s easy for me to get frustrated if I don’t get raves about my latest recipe or writing.  Or if I receive criticism from a reader instead of praise, I feel like deleting my post in shame.  I’m a people-pleaser by nature and I know I put way too much faith in the people around me instead of realizing that they’re human, too.  I’ve also done this in my health journey so far.  And when the people I love don’t do what I hope they would or support me in the way I desire, I get deflated and resentful.  No matter how great our families and friends are, they will never be able to sustain us in the ways we want.

That brings me to who SHOULD be the center of our faith – God.  Only God is sovereign over our best laid plans.  He’s in control.  He alone can strengthen us and sustain us.  He never changes.  He knows our character, heart, hopes, and dreams.  He’s always here for us.  He loves us.  He died for us.  And He has our ultimate good in mind.  We can take a leap into unknown territory with total peace.  Peace that only God can give us.  He alone can ease our burdens and give us courage to keep moving forward.  We just need to ask.

If, like me, you’re thinking about how weak your faith feels right now, not to worry!  God only requires the tiniest, mustard seed-sized bit of faith.  Jesus Himself says it in the verse above.  Yes, we might be wary of Him and His ways at first.  We might doubt His plans for our lives.  We might be frustrated by His silences.  In those moments, it seems like our faith is microscopic.  But weak faith is still faith.

So let’s take whatever faith we can muster and put it in God rather than just in ourselves or in others.  He can use our small faith and work miracles with it!  Plus, the more we rely on Him, the more opportunity there is for our faith to grow.  And strong faith is a worthy goal in itself, regardless of the leaps we take in this life.  So, let’s make faith in God a priority through our every step and every leap.  If we let Him, He can, and will, do amazing things through us.

Prepare for Landing

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”  ~Philippians 1:6

That brings me to my last piece of advice for all of us “leapers”: prepare for landing.  When we take a leap, we’ll ultimately land somewhere.  We all have a dream or a goal in mind.  And I hope that over the next four years, we end up landing in the place we envision.  Because if/when we do, we’ll need to be physically and/or mentally ready for that life change.  And if, in four years, you’ve leapt and landed in the exact place you envision right now, I salute you.  Because more often than not, our leaps don’t always land us where we anticipate.  Are we willing to be flexible if we don’t get exactly what we planned for?  Can we handle a very different outcome than what we’re picturing right now?  

When I took my leap with the blog in 2016, I secretly hoped that I would be a super successful, popular, and profitable food blogger.  I didn’t even want to admit it to myself for fear of failure.    I quickly realized that the bloggers who really “make it” spend hours upon hours dedicated to their goals. My health challenges quickly got in the way and I realized that I wasn’t cut out for the full-time blogger life.  My “landing” has been different than I thought it might be.

Do I regret my leap because it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought?  Absolutely not!  What began as a surface-level food blog has turned into a platform to pour out my heart and even share the Gospel.  It’s forced me to learn new skills and try new things.  It’s been a niche for people with special diets.  It’s unintentionally served as my journal through peaks and valleys, joys and sorrows.  And, it’s allowed me to connect with others who are also walking through health trials, dietary challenges, and suffering seasons.  Not exactly what I anticipated, but still good, in its own way.  And it would never have happened at all had I not taken the leap.

Just as my blog has turned out differently than I thought, so has my life.  I now find myself in a different house (after two moves this year, with another in the near future), in a different, much more frail body, in a very different season of life than most women my age.  If I’d landed where I planned to, I’d have two kids, a healthy body, a permanent home, and be nicely settled in life.  Instead, I’m taking a leap with Lyme, with all those things being far off dreams.

Yet, not every hope and dream that we have is realized.  I hate the thought that my healing might never happen, but in order to leap, I have to prepare for that possibility.  Can I be okay if I don’t get what I want?  Can I still have a fulfilled life if not one thing changes?   I’m struggling with these questions currently and maybe you are, too.

Because not everything goes as we planned.  Not every blogger makes it big.  Not every person with chronic illness sees remission.  Not every business is profitable.  Not every relationship works out.  And even when the things we plan DO work out well, they still might look a lot different than the vision we had initially.  Then is it still worth taking the leap?  A thousand times yes!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to get everything our hearts desire.  I’d give anything to be healed at this point.  Yet, the unexpected and undesirable places we may land in can often teach us the most valuable lessons and shape us into the people we need to become.  And I think that’s what this life is all about – courageously taking leaps, making daily steps in the right direction, putting our faith in God, and trusting that wherever we land is exactly where we need to be.  As the verse above reminds us, God has begun a good work in each of us and He will carry it on to completion even while life feels uncertain.

Friends, I hope these words have helped you view your leap in a less daunting way so that you feel confidence to move forward.  Will you join me in taking a leap?  Whether it’s about health issues like me or something else entirely, my prayer is that we all have courage, try our best, and not give up.  I hope our leaps yield many positive changes over the next four years and we see dreams realized.  But regardless of where we land, may we allow God’s good work to flourish in us and grow us into more loving, compassionate, selfless, faithful people along the way.

Here’s to Leap Day 2020!