When All is Stripped Away

It’s almost the end of February and I apologize for two months of “radio silence” here on the blog.  I wish I could tell you it was because I was creating hundreds of new recipe posts, or working on a cookbook, or having/adopting a baby, or even traveling the world to see the Olympics in person.  But unfortunately, my reason has to do with yet another “health crash,” as I like to call it.  When it first happened two months ago, I didn’t feel like I could even write about it because it was so traumatic.  Thankfully, I’ve improved enough to be able to share more about what’s been going on.  Not only from a physical standpoint, but from a spiritual one, too.

I know I’ve written previous blog posts on my trials – from miscarriage, to health challenges, to setbacks, to waiting seasons.  This seems to be another one.  A true test of faith.  So, if you have a few minutes, allow me to share about the latest chapter of the story God is writing for my life.  My prayer is that these words could be a source of hope and inspiration to others going through a difficult time.  God is always at work, even when we don’t feel it, and I strongly believe that He uses even the most tragic circumstances for our good and His glory.

THE HEALTH CRASHES

For those who don’t already know my story, I’ll summarize it briefly.  Growing up, I was a relatively healthy person – or so I thought.  It wasn’t until after college, in 2010, that I noticed mood changes, extreme fatigue, and major PMS.  Those issues led to an eventual diagnosis of hypothyroid and celiac disease.  So, I lived the gluten-free life and took an interest health and wellness.  After marrying my husband, Mark, I started the Paleo diet with a baseline of supplements and natural thyroid hormones.  By 2015, I felt like my health was stable enough to try for kids.  It didn’t take me long to get pregnant, but sadly, we lost the baby at 11 weeks.

A few months later, I had what I’ll call “Health Crash #1.”  I was weak, fatigued, and had the chills, nausea, and weight loss, panic attacks, and heart racing.  My thyroid numbers were all over the place and I felt totally unstable.  This led us to seek out a functional medicine practitioner who introduced me to the AIP diet, supplements, and detox regimens.  I discovered I had “leaky gut,” candida, Sjogrens, and MTHFR mutations.  While working with this doctor for a year, I saw some improvement in my overall health, but still felt off.  Since I didn’t get the results I had hoped for, I decided to manage my health on my own.  So by the time December rolled around last year, I was beginning to reintroduce foods to get off the AIP diet.

Unfortunately, things in my life tend not to go as planned!  While working toward a more relaxed Paleo diet, I also started physical therapy for a hip injury that I incurred several months ago.  During my physical therapy, the therapist actually aggravated my injury and caused a huge amount of pain.  I was not only hurting, but also frustrated and stressed that this happened days before Christmas!  Not fun.  My only consolation was that I could still walk around pretty well – just no sitting or standing.  Walking seemed to be about the only thing that helped my hip pain.

Enter “Health Crash #2!”  A few days after my Christmas hip fiasco, I noticed that my feet started hurting.  But it wasn’t typical foot pain.  They felt like they’d been severely bruised all over.  I rested them for a day, but the pain continued.  At first, I attributed it to all the walking I’d been doing.  Maybe it was poor choice of footwear?  Maybe I pushed myself too hard?  Maybe I had pinched nerves?  There had to be a logical explanation for it all.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know what that explanation was.  And the reality set in that I couldn’t walk with the throbbing pains in my feet.  And no walking meant that my hip remained very weak.  I felt trapped, in pain, and panicked.  (And when I say panicked, that was an understatement.  I was literally shaking with fear of losing my feet and never being able to walk again.  Did I mention that I’m also an avid worrier?)

As if the foot pain wasn’t enough, a week later, my hands started to hurt and tingle.  Oh no.  Not my hands, too!  It was then that I started to wonder if I’d ever have a “normal” life again.  I couldn’t walk, sit, or stand due to the various pains in my body.  My feet had to constantly be in slippers with padded inserts. Even being in the shower for a few minutes was almost unbearable.  I couldn’t stand in the kitchen to cook.  I couldn’t clean the house.  I couldn’t sit at the dinner table.  I couldn’t exercise.  I couldn’t run errands.  I couldn’t attend church.  I couldn’t visit friends.  My list of “couldn’ts” felt a mile long.  My comfortable, normal routine was totally gone.  I felt like an invalid while my husband had to take care of me and everything else, while all I could do was hope and pray that the damage wasn’t permanent.

To say this was a humbling time for me would be an understatement.  I started to feel utterly useless.  Everything in my life was being stripped away and I was a physical and emotional mess.  Whether I liked it or not, I was confronted with three tough questions that I think we all have to eventually ask ourselves in this life.  Questions that reveal where we turn in times of trial, who we really are, and whether we can still declare God’s goodness in the midst of our pain.  Today, I’m sharing how I’ve answered those questions from my own experience and I encourage you to think about how you’d answer them, too.

1) WHEN ALL IS STRIPPED AWAY, WHERE DO YOU TURN?

I wish I could say that I turned to God first and foremost in this trial.  But no, my worried, frantic heart turned first to the people around me for comfort and answers.  As long as I had someone with me, I could distract myself enough to forget my problems and pain.  It’s great to have companionship and support in trials, but there will always come a time when we have to face our hardships alone.

Realizing this, I then turned to myself to try and change my circumstances.  This has never boded well in the past for me, so I’m not sure why I thought it would be helpful this time around.  I assumed it was solely up to me to find the right path, the right doctors, the right supplements, the right EVERYTHING in order to be healed.  And if I didn’t find those things ASAP, I’d never get well.  The pressure I put on myself led to stress, which led to worsening of my symptoms.  I ended up more frustrated, frantic, and afraid than I was to start with.

And so, discouraged, frightened, and weary, I finally turned to the Lord.  And when I did, it was like He breathed new life and new hope into my heart.  I felt Him steering me away from the fear and into a path of faith and trust.  A verse that kept appearing in various devotionals over the past few weeks was from Isaiah 41:10.  It says, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

When we turn to the Lord, we get His strength and His help.  He carries us through our trials and is right beside us, always.  When I limit God’s power and rely solely on myself or others, I’m always left fearful and wanting.  But in turning to Him, I can finally rest, knowing that He has my life in His hands and will guide me through whatever comes.

Maybe you turn to companionship or distractions or yourself when all is stripped away in your life.  While these options might be a temporary solution, I encourage you to think long-term.  We have a loving Father who is ready and willing to take on our burdens and hear our heart cries to Him.  He knows exactly what is wrong and how to fix it.  In order to better remember to turn to the Lord and not give way to fear or any other distractions, I wear this bracelet daily, with the verse mentioned above.  (Coincidentally, my husband has this verse tattooed on his wrist!)  What awesome promises we receive when we turn to God in our trials!

2) WHEN ALL IS STRIPPED AWAY, WHO ARE YOU?

Being limited in this life by physical pain is so hard.  I know many of you reading this can totally relate, probably to a much greater degree.  Not only is the pain itself agonizing, but the limitations the pain brings with it are almost worse.  Yet, it wasn’t until I literally couldn’t do anything that I realized how much weight I placed on my value and worth being based on my physical contributions.  When I could no longer cook, clean, run errands, work on my food blog, etc., I felt like I was a waste of space.  I remember saying to my husband that I was a “bad wife” and felt “useless.”  Have you ever felt like that?

Unfortunately, we live in a fast-paced culture that places value on busy, successful, active, and having a lot to show for yourself.  When you feel like you don’t measure up to those standards, your life feels purposeless and you wonder what the point of all this is.  Well, friends, I’m here to remind you of the truth.  Each of us, no matter what state we’re in is precious in the eyes of God.  Each of us has a unique purpose.  Each of us has value.  And sometimes it takes all being stripped away for us to see our true identity in Him.

It was in my most immobile state that I found a closer relationship with the Lord.  And in turn, He showed me NEW ways to live with purpose- through prayer, note writing, sharing encouraging words, and even simply in letting others help me.  I realized how pridefully I had been living, not wanting to show weakness or ask for help in hard times.  But now, I can truly say that by sharing our weaknesses and struggles, we can make the deepest connections.  I can’t tell you how many wonderful visits and conversations I’ve had with friends and family over the past two months.  Rather than being the person to meet others’ needs, I was on the receiving end, and I’m thankful for that new perspective.

It’s amazing how our trials can really help us discover who we are and whose we are.  My identity shifted from prideful to humbled.  My purpose was no longer wrapped up in my daily tasks or achievements but in how well I could love Jesus and love others.  (And you don’t even have to leave the house to do that!)  No matter what I do or don’t do in this life, I will always have worth as a child of God, made in His image.

This truth is found often in the Bible, but my favorite example is in the Gospel of Mark.  If you’re not familiar with the woman with the issue of blood, I encourage you to read her story in Mark 5:25-34.  Here was a woman whose culture told her that she was worthless because she was sick and couldn’t bear children.  She probably felt isolated, ashamed, and purposeless.  She tried for years to find the right doctors, the right medicines, the right healers, to no avail.  And then she encountered Jesus and threw herself at his feet.  In a society that placed little value on women, especially the barren, Jesus looked on her with love and said, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

Not only did Jesus physically heal her, but he reminded her of her true identity.  She saw herself as despised and worthless, but He saw her as His precious daughter with a life worth living.  Even if we’re not all physically healed like this woman, I pray that we could all see ourselves the way Jesus does: deeply valued and dearly loved.

3) WHEN ALL IS STRIPPED AWAY, IS GOD STILL GOOD?

My answer, not surprisingly, is yes.  But it’s not always easy to say yes.  When the pain is great and there’s no end in sight, it’s hard to imagine our good, loving God being in control and actually allowing it all to happen.  Until this year, I had a really hard time grappling with the concept of suffering.  If God loves us, then wouldn’t He want us to enjoy a pain-free life?  But in examining my own heart, I’m pretty sure that if I had an easy life, free of suffering, I’d be the most selfish, materialistic, prideful person ever, with a surface-level relationship with God (or no relationship with Him at all).

The funny thing is, we actually had a chance at a pain-free life and messed it up pretty quickly!  (Read the story of Adam and Eve if you’re not familiar with it.)  The problem with our hearts is that they crave more and more good things and less and less of our good God.  Adam and Eve wanted to be like God rather than be in relationship with Him.  And although they (and we) deserved permanent death, our gracious God made a plan to redeem our sinfulness through sending His own Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place.  Jesus suffered willingly for our sake and was known in the book of Isaiah as “a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief.”  So on my hardest days, I think about how much Jesus did for me and how much He understands my pain.  It gives me a little more stamina to stay in my battle and suffer for Him, too.

There’s also a verse in Romans 5 that talks about how suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.  All good traits!  The suffering itself doesn’t feel good, but suffering is good for us.  It refines us and forces us to examine the tough questions, like the ones I’m sharing with you now.  And God can use our suffering and make good things come from it.  Over the past several years, I can definitely see how God has changed my own heart through suffering.  I can say with absolute certainty that my relationships with God, family, and friends are so much deeper.  The suffering has also allowed me to have new compassion for others going through difficult health concerns.  And a period of suffering even led to the creation of this blog, to which I am so grateful.

Even in the midst of suffering, God can still pour out His blessings on us.  Sometimes we just have to see them through our tears.  I experienced this firsthand when I was ready to give up because of the pain my body was in.  I cried out to God, asking Him to heal my feet and allow me to walk.  And then I opened my Bible and it just so happened fall open to a verse in Habakkuk.  Now, I can’t say that I have EVER turned to Habakkuk for encouragement, so I was prepared to search the Psalms or Philippians for a spiritual boost.  But then my eyes fell to this passage – specifically the last verse (which I’ve underlined.)

Habakkuk 3:17-19:

HEALING ON THE HORIZON?

You might be wondering how I’m doing since Health Crash #2 struck.  Well, I’m thrilled to report that God has slowly improved my feet over the past two months to where I can function more normally!  I’m not totally free of pain, I still can’t exercise, and I’ve had other autoimmune issues flare up, but I have been able to attend church, visit friends, run short errands, and get back into the kitchen!  My list of “couldn’ts” is much shorter and I am SO thankful.  The future is still uncertain, but we’re ruling out things, testing other things, visiting new doctors, and hoping that answers are on the way.  I feel like every day that passes is one day closer to the fulfillment of what I consider to be God’s promise – that I will one day be able to “tread on the heights” like the deer!

In the meantime, I’ve relied heavily on prayer to get me through this tough season.  Not just my own prayers, but the prayers of friends, family, and people I don’t even know.  I’ve had Fed & Fulfilled readers email me saying that they are praying for me and it has been so uplifting!  So, I’d like to return the favor.  If you have something you’re going through right now and you need prayer, please email me at joanna@fedandfulfilled.com or fill out my Contact form and I would be more than happy to pray for you!  You’re not alone in this and I’m praying that healing is on the horizon for all of us who need it!  Thank you for walking through this journey with me and for your continued prayers, encouragement, and support!